either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
