I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
