I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
