I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
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