so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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