i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
