Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
