Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
