never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
