Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
You pole danced in your parka.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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