i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
