I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
She even gives head with a lisp.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
