If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
