It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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