My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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