She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
