Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I'm too high and old for this...
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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