hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
