apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
