I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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