If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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