Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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