very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
should my penis look like a turkey
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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