...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
