What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
