You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
