Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Text me some of your sweat
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
