I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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