if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
