i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
