Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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