Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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