Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
