You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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