Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
