I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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