Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
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