If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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