I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
