I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
