She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
And then my night got REAL pukey
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
