You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize