pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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