dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
