she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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