Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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