You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
