Heybabeimwearingurpanties
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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