you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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