I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
