I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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