life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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