All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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