But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
