So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
