Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
