How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
