she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
