No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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