Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
