I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Randomize
