i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
