So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize