I feel like I'm in dance class right now
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
