I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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