I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
