Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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